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Mark
Twain - A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Chapter 34
THE YANKEE AND THE KING SOLD AS SLAVES
WELL, what had I better do? Nothing in a hurry, sure. I must get
up a diversion; anything to employ me while I could think, and while
these poor fellows could have a chance to come to life again. There
sat Marco, petrified in the act of trying to get the hang of his miller-gun
-- turned to stone, just in the attitude he was in when my pile-driver
fell, the toy still gripped in his unconscious fingers. So I took
it from him and proposed to explain its mystery. Mystery! a simple
little thing like that; and yet it was mysterious enough, for that
race and that age.
I never saw such an awkward people, with machinery; you see, they
were totally unused to it. The miller-gun was a little double-barreled
tube of toughened glass, with a neat little trick of a spring to it,
which upon pressure would let a shot escape. But the shot wouldn't
hurt anybody, it would only drop into your hand. In the gun were two
sizes -- wee mustard-seed shot, and another sort that were several
times larger. They were money. The mustard-seed shot represented milrays,
the larger ones mills. So the gun was a purse; and very handy, too;
you could pay out money in the dark with it, with accuracy; and you
could carry it in your mouth; or in your vest pocket, if you had one.
I made them of several sizes -- one size so large that it would carry
the equivalent of a dollar. Using shot for money was a good thing
for the government; the metal cost nothing, and the money couldn't
be counterfeited, for I was the only person in the kingdom who knew
how to manage a shot tower. "Paying the shot" soon came
to be a common phrase. Yes, and I knew it would still be passing men's
lips, away down in the nineteenth century, yet none would suspect
how and when it originated.
The king joined us, about this time, mightily refreshed by his nap,
and feeling good. Anything could make me nervous now, I was so uneasy
-- for our lives were in danger; and so it worried me to detect a
complacent something in the king's eye which seemed to indicate that
he had been loading himself up for a performance of some kind or other;
confound it, why must he go and choose such a time as this?
I was right. He began, straight off, in the most innocently artful,
and transparent, and lubberly way, to lead up to the subject of agriculture.
The cold sweat broke out all over me. I wanted to whisper in his ear,
"Man, we are in awful danger! every moment is worth a principality
till we get back these men's confidence; don't waste any of this golden
time." But of course I couldn't do it. Whisper to him? It would
look as if we were conspiring. So I had to sit there and look calm
and pleasant while the king stood over that dynamite mine and mooned
along about his damned onions and things. At first the tumult of my
own thoughts, summoned by the danger-signal and swarming to the rescue
from every quarter of my skull, kept up such a hurrah and confusion
and fifing and drumming that I couldn't take in a word; but presently
when my mob of gathering plans began to crystallize and fall into
position and form line of battle, a sort of order and quiet ensued
and I caught the boom of the king's batteries, as if out of remote
distance:
" -- were not the best way, methinks, albeit it is not to be
denied that authorities differ as concerning this point, some contending
that the onion is but an unwholesome berry when stricken early from
the tree -- "
The audience showed signs of life, and sought each other's eyes
in a surprised and troubled way.
" -- whileas others do yet maintain, with much show of reason,
that this is not of necessity the case, instancing that plums and
other like cereals do be always dug in the unripe state -- "
The audience exhibited distinct distress; yes, and also fear.
" -- yet are they clearly wholesome, the more especially when
one doth assuage the asperities of their nature by admixture of the
tranquilizing juice of the wayward cabbage -- "
The wild light of terror began to glow in these men's eyes, and
one of them muttered, "These be errors, every one -- God hath
surely smitten the mind of this farmer." I was in miserable apprehension;
I sat upon thorns.
" -- and further instancing the known truth that in the case
of animals, the young, which may be called the green fruit of the
creature, is the better, all confessing that when a goat is ripe,
his fur doth heat and sore engame his flesh, the which defect, taken
in connection with his several rancid habits, and fulsome appetites,
and godless attitudes of mind, and bilious quality of morals -- "
They rose and went for him! With a fierce shout, "The one would
betray us, the other is mad! Kill them! Kill them!" they flung
themselves upon us. What joy flamed up in the king's eye! He might
be lame in agriculture, but this kind of thing was just in his line.
He had been fasting long, he was hungry for a fight. He hit the blacksmith
a crack under the jaw that lifted him clear off his feet and stretched
him flat on his back. "St. George for Britain!" and he downed
the wheelwright. The mason was big, but I laid him out like nothing.
The three gathered themselves up and came again; went down again;
came again; and kept on repeating this, with native British pluck,
until they were battered to jelly, reeling with exhaustion, and so
blind that they couldn't tell us from each other; and yet they kept
right on, hammering away with what might was left in them. Hammering
each other -- for we stepped aside and looked on while they rolled,
and struggled, and gouged, and pounded, and bit, with the strict and
wordless attention to business of so many bulldogs. We looked on without
apprehension, for they were fast getting past ability to go for help
against us, and the arena was far enough from the public road to be
safe from intrusion.
Well, while they were gradually playing out, it suddenly occurred
to me to wonder what had become of Marco. I looked around; he was
nowhere to be seen. Oh, but this was ominous! I pulled the king's
sleeve, and we glided away and rushed for the hut. No Marco there,
no Phyllis there! They had gone to the road for help, sure. I told
the king to give his heels wings, and I would explain later. We made
good time across the open ground, and as we darted into the shelter
of the wood I glanced back and saw a mob of excited peasants swarm
into view, with Marco and his wife at their head. They were making
a world of noise, but that couldn't hurt anybody; the wood was dense,
and as soon as we were well into its depths we would take to a tree
and let them whistle. Ah, but then came another sound -- dogs! Yes,
that was quite another matter. It magnified our contract -- we must
find running water.
We tore along at a good gait, and soon left the sounds far behind
and modified to a murmur. We struck a stream and darted into it. We
waded swiftly down it, in the dim forest light, for as much as three
hundred yards, and then came across an oak with a great bough sticking
out over the water. We climbed up on this bough, and began to work
our way along it to the body of the tree; now we began to hear those
sounds more plainly; so the mob had struck our trail. For a while
the sounds approached pretty fast. And then for another while they
didn't. No doubt the dogs had found the place where we had entered
the stream, and were now waltzing up and down the shores trying to
pick up the trail again.
When we were snugly lodged in the tree and curtained with foliage,
the king was satisfied, but I was doubtful. I believed we could crawl
along a branch and get into the next tree, and I judged it worth while
to try. We tried it, and made a success of it, though the king slipped,
at the junction, and came near failing to connect. We got comfortable
lodgment and satisfactory concealment among the foliage, and then
we had nothing to do but listen to the hunt.
Presently we heard it coming -- and coming on the jump, too; yes,
and down both sides of the stream. Louder -- louder -- next minute
it swelled swiftly up into a roar of shoutings, barkings, tramplings,
and swept by like a cyclone.
"I was afraid that the overhanging branch would suggest something
to them," said I, "but I don't mind the disappointment.
Come, my liege, it were well that we make good use of our time. We've
flanked them. Dark is coming on, presently. If we can cross the stream
and get a good start, and borrow a couple of horses from somebody's
pasture to use for a few hours, we shall be safe enough."
We started down, and got nearly to the lowest limb, when we seemed
to hear the hunt returning. We stopped to listen.
"Yes," said I, "they're baffled, they've given it
up, they're on their way home. We will climb back to our roost again,
and let them go by."
So we climbed back. The king listened a moment and said:
"They still search -- I wit the sign. We did best to abide."
He was right. He knew more about hunting than I did. The noise approached
steadily, but not with a rush. The king said:
"They reason that we were advantaged by no parlous start of
them, and being on foot are as yet no mighty way from where we took
the water."
"Yes, sire, that is about it, I am afraid, though I was hoping
better things."
The noise drew nearer and nearer, and soon the van was drifting
under us, on both sides of the water. A voice called a halt from the
other bank, and said:
"An they were so minded, they could get to yon tree by this
branch that overhangs, and yet not touch ground. Ye will do well to
send a man up it."
"Marry, that we will do!"
I was obliged to admire my cuteness in foreseeing this very thing
and swapping trees to beat it. But, don't you know, there are some
things that can beat smartness and foresight? Awkwardness and stupidity
can. The best swordsman in the world doesn't need to fear the second
best swordsman in the world; no, the person for him to be afraid of
is some ignorant antagonist who has never had a sword in his hand
before; he doesn't do the thing he ought to do, and so the expert
isn't prepared for him; he does the thing he ought not to do; and
often it catches the expert out and ends him on the spot. Well, how
could I, with all my gifts, make any valuable preparation against
a near-sighted, cross-eyed, pudding-headed clown who would aim himself
at the wrong tree and hit the right one? And that is what he did.
He went for the wrong tree, which was, of course, the right one by
mistake, and up he started.
Matters were serious now. We remained still, and awaited developments.
The peasant toiled his difficult way up. The king raised himself up
and stood; he made a leg ready, and when the comer's head arrived
in reach of it there was a dull thud, and down went the man floundering
to the ground. There was a wild outbreak of anger below, and the mob
swarmed in from all around, and there we were treed, and prisoners.
Another man started up; the bridging bough was detected, and a volunteer
started up the tree that furnished the bridge. The king ordered me
to play Horatius and keep the bridge. For a while the enemy came thick
and fast; but no matter, the head man of each procession always got
a buffet that dislodged him as soon as he came in reach. The king's
spirits rose, his joy was limitless. He said that if nothing occurred
to mar the prospect we should have a beautiful night, for on this
line of tactics we could hold the tree against the whole country-side.
However, the mob soon came to that conclusion themselves; wherefore
they called off the assault and began to debate other plans. They
had no weapons, but there were plenty of stones, and stones might
answer. We had no objections. A stone might possibly penetrate to
us once in a while, but it wasn't very likely; we were well protected
by boughs and foliage, and were not visible from any good aiming point.
If they would but waste half an hour in stone-throwing, the dark would
come to our help. We were feeling very well satisfied. We could smile;
almost laugh.
But we didn't; which was just as well, for we should have been interrupted.
Before the stones had been raging through the leaves and bouncing
from the boughs fifteen minutes, we began to notice a smell. A couple
of sniffs of it was enough of an explanation -- it was smoke! Our
game was up at last. We recognized that. When smoke invites you, you
have to come. They raised their pile of dry brush and damp weeds higher
and higher, and when they saw the thick cloud begin to roll up and
smother the tree, they broke out in a storm of joy-clamors. I got
enough breath to say:
"Proceed, my liege; after you is manners."
The king gasped:
"Follow me down, and then back thyself against one side of
the trunk, and leave me the other. Then will we fight. Let each pile
his dead according to his own fashion and taste."
Then he descended, barking and coughing, and I followed. I struck
the ground an instant after him; we sprang to our appointed places,
and began to give and take with all our might. The powwow and racket
were prodigious; it was a tempest of riot and confusion and thick-falling
blows. Suddenly some horsemen tore into the midst of the crowd, and
a voice shouted:
"Hold -- or ye are dead men!"
How good it sounded! The owner of the voice bore all the marks of
a gentleman: picturesque and costly raiment, the aspect of command,
a hard countenance, with complexion and features marred by dissipation.
The mob fell humbly back, like so many spaniels. The gentleman inspected
us critically, then said sharply to the peasants:
"What are ye doing to these people?"
"They be madmen, worshipful sir, that have come wandering we
know not whence, and -- "
"Ye know not whence? Do ye pretend ye know them not?"
"Most honored sir, we speak but the truth. They are strangers
and unknown to any in this region; and they be the most violent and
bloodthirsty madmen that ever -- "
"Peace! Ye know not what ye say. They are not mad. Who are
ye? And whence are ye? Explain."
"We are but peaceful strangers, sir," I said, "and
traveling upon our own concerns. We are from a far country, and unacquainted
here. We have purposed no harm; and yet but for your brave interference
and protection these people would have killed us. As you have divined,
sir, we are not mad; neither are we violent or bloodthirsty."
The gentleman turned to his retinue and said calmly: "Lash
me these animals to their kennels!"
The mob vanished in an instant; and after them plunged the horsemen,
laying about them with their whips and pitilessly riding down such
as were witless enough to keep the road instead of taking to the bush.
The shrieks and supplications presently died away in the distance,
and soon the horsemen began to straggle back. Meantime the gentleman
had been questioning us more closely, but had dug no particulars out
of us. We were lavish of recognition of the service he was doing us,
but we revealed nothing more than that we were friendless strangers
from a far country. When the escort were all returned, the gentleman
said to one of his servants:
"Bring the led-horses and mount these people."
"Yes, my lord."
We were placed toward the rear, among the servants. We traveled
pretty fast, and finally drew rein some time after dark at a roadside
inn some ten or twelve miles from the scene of our troubles. My lord
went immediately to his room, after ordering his supper, and we saw
no more of him. At dawn in the morning we breakfasted and made ready
to start.
My lord's chief attendant sauntered forward at that moment with
indolent grace, and said:
"Ye have said ye should continue upon this road, which is our
direction likewise; wherefore my lord, the earl Grip, hath given commandment
that ye retain the horses and ride, and that certain of us ride with
ye a twenty mile to a fair town that hight Cambenet, whenso ye shall
be out of peril."
We could do nothing less than express our thanks and accept the
offer. We jogged along, six in the party, at a moderate and comfortable
gait, and in conversation learned that my lord Grip was a very great
personage in his own region, which lay a day's journey beyond Cambenet.
We loitered to such a degree that it was near the middle of the forenoon
when we entered the market square of the town. We dismounted, and
left our thanks once more for my lord, and then approached a crowd
assembled in the center of the square, to see what might be the object
of interest. It was the remnant of that old peregrinating band of
slaves! So they had been dragging their chains about, all this weary
time. That poor husband was gone, and also many others; and some few
purchases had been added to the gang. The king was not interested,
and wanted to move along, but I was absorbed, and full of pity. I
could not take my eyes away from these worn and wasted wrecks of humanity.
There they sat, grounded upon the ground, silent, uncomplaining, with
bowed heads, a pathetic sight. And by hideous contrast, a redundant
orator was making a speech to another gathering not thirty steps away,
in fulsome laudation of "our glorious British liberties!"
I was boiling. I had forgotten I was a plebeian, I was remembering
I was a man. Cost what it might, I would mount that rostrum and --
Click! the king and I were handcuffed together! Our companions,
those servants, had done it; my lord Grip stood looking on. The king
burst out in a fury, and said:
"What meaneth this ill-mannered jest?"
My lord merely said to his head miscreant, coolly:
"Put up the slaves and sell them!"
SLAVES! The word had a new sound -- and how unspeakably awful! The
king lifted his manacles and brought them down with a deadly force;
but my lord was out of the way when they arrived. A dozen of the rascal's
servants sprang forward, and in a moment we were helpless, with our
hands bound behind us. We so loudly and so earnestly proclaimed ourselves
freemen, that we got the interested attention of that liberty-mouthing
orator and his patriotic crowd, and they gathered about us and assumed
a very determined attitude. The orator said:
"If, indeed, ye are freemen, ye have nought to fear -- the
God-given liberties of Britain are about ye for your shield and shelter!
(Applause.) Ye shall soon see. Bring forth your proofs."
"What proofs?"
"Proof that ye are freemen."
Ah -- I remembered! I came to myself; I said nothing. But the king
stormed out:
"Thou'rt insane, man. It were better, and more in reason, that
this thief and scoundrel here prove that we are not freemen."
You see, he knew his own laws just as other people so often know
the laws; by words, not by effects. They take a meaning, and get to
be very vivid, when you come to apply them to yourself.
All hands shook their heads and looked disappointed; some turned
away, no longer interested. The orator said -- and this time in the
tones of business, not of sentiment:
"An ye do not know your country's laws, it were time ye learned
them. Ye are strangers to us; ye will not deny that. Ye may be freemen,
we do not deny that; but also ye may be slaves. The law is clear:
it doth not require the claimant to prove ye are slaves, it requireth
you to prove ye are not."
I said:
"Dear sir, give us only time to send to Astolat; or give us
only time to send to the Valley of Holiness -- "
"Peace, good man, these are extraordinary requests, and you
may not hope to have them granted. It would cost much time, and would
unwarrantably inconvenience your master -- "
"MASTER, idiot!" stormed the king. "I have no master,
I myself am the m -- "
"Silence, for God's sake!"
I got the words out in time to stop the king. We were in trouble
enough already; it could not help us any to give these people the
notion that we were lunatics.
There is no use in stringing out the details. The earl put us up
and sold us at auction. This same infernal law had existed in our
own South in my own time, more than thirteen hundred years later,
and under it hundreds of freemen who could not prove that they were
freemen had been sold into lifelong slavery without the circumstance
making any particular impression upon me; but the minute law and the
auction block came into my personal experience, a thing which had
been merely improper before became suddenly hellish. Well, that's
the way we are made.
Yes, we were sold at auction, like swine. In a big town and an active
market we should have brought a good price; but this place was utterly
stagnant and so we sold at a figure which makes me ashamed, every
time I think of it. The King of England brought seven dollars, and
his prime minister nine; whereas the king was easily worth twelve
dollars and I as easily worth fifteen. But that is the way things
always go; if you force a sale on a dull market, I don't care what
the property is, you are going to make a poor business of it, and
you can make up your mind to it. If the earl had had wit enough to
--
However, there is no occasion for my working my sympathies up on
his account. Let him go, for the present; I took his number, so to
speak.
The slave-dealer bought us both, and hitched us onto that long chain
of his, and we constituted the rear of his procession. We took up
our line of march and passed out of Cambenet at noon; and it seemed
to me unaccountably strange and odd that the King of England and his
chief minister, marching manacled and fettered and yoked, in a slave
convoy, could move by all manner of idle men and women, and under
windows where sat the sweet and the lovely, and yet never attract
a curious eye, never provoke a single remark. Dear, dear, it only
shows that there is nothing diviner about a king than there is about
a tramp, after all. He is just a cheap and hollow artificiality when
you don't know he is a king. But reveal his quality, and dear me it
takes your very breath away to look at him. I reckon we are all fools.
Born so, no doubt.
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